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Am I Enough?

I feel like a snow cone without ice, a bride without a groom, clouds without the rain. Nothing makes sense. I have family and I have friends, yet surrounded by people I love, I feel utterly alone. Try as I might, I can't explain this desperate ache inside of me. I much prefer the lush pastures of yesterday to where I am today. My world is parched and dry. There is no beauty, only desert sand as far as the eye can see. I don't want to be here.

It's hot and I'm tired. Where are You, God? I can't see You. I can't hear You. I can't feel Your touch.

At first I turned each corner with hope in my heart - just ahead there's an oasis waiting for me. But, it's never there. I never find it. There's just blazing sun and hot, blistering sand.

Day after day, mile after mile I trudge on, no relief in sight. I am long past tears. If I do not find an oasis soon, I will die. I am not asking for much, God. Just a shady palm and some cool water to quench my thirsty soul.

It would be easier to stop expecting, and probably soon I will. It would be easier, too, to stop believing that any one cares, most of all God. Where is He anyway? Doesn't He know I am alone? That I hurt and am afraid?

I quit! Wherever you are, do you hear me, God? I've had enough. I quit!

The sun kisses the day goodbye. I should be glad, but I dread the darkness. It spreads its gnarled fingers and clutches me in its grasp. Then it hisses, "You're not good enough. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. You're a failure, failure, failure. Even God has forgotten you. You don't see Him. You don't hear Him. You can't feel His touch. You're alone, alone, alone . . ."

Someone please stop the pain. Make it go away. I don't understand. Please, help me.

But, no one does.

Because no one can.

A rock for my pillow, I lie exhausted on the burning sand consumed by the ache in my breast. Will I ever see green pastures again? Has God banished me to live out my days in this barren wasteland?

Some time in the wee morning hours, I drift into oblivion embracing the blessed release of sleep.

I'm not sure what wakens me but even before my eyes are opened, I know that something has changed. I'm not frightened, just aware. The accusing voice is gone and in its place I hear a soft whisper of hope. A gentle breeze cools my brow, and I'm no longer thirsty.

I sense Him more than see Him.

I am not alone.

"Am I enough?" He tenderly speaks. "If tomorrow is always as today, am I enough?"

If tomorrow, is always as today? Are You kidding? Didn't You hear me say that I can't take it anymore? Are you enough? I'd like to say yes, really I would. But, the truth is, Lord . . .no. No, I don't think You are enough. I need lush pastures, morning mist, bubbling streams and caroling birds in the trees. I need a home to go home to. I need fresh strawberries, and sweet baby smiles.

A tear springs out of nowhere and trickles down my cheek. First one and then another, then I begin to sob. You know what else I need? I need a friend! I need a friend who understands. Someone to help me carry my load. Someone who loves me just 'cause I'm me. I need someone to laugh at my silly jokes, to weep when I cry, to just hold my hand. What I'd give to hear someone say, "That's my girl. I am proud of her!" When the storm is raging, I want strong arms to hold me tight, someone to shelter me, someone to be my anchor in the sea. And, then I want someone to whisper, "Don't be afraid I'm here." Do you understand, Lord, what I'm trying to say? Do You understand what I need?

"I believe I do," He warmly smiles, "what you need is Me."

"I understand. I'll carry your load. I'll laugh at your silly jokes. I'll cry with you, then dry your tears; I'll hold your hand in Mine. I'll say to everyone I know, 'See there, that lovely woman? She's My daughter, she's My friend, and I am proud of her.' And, when the storm is raging, I'll shelter you safe in My arms. I'll whisper words of tenderness, 'Don't be afraid, I'm here.'

I'm never too busy for you. My eyes are always watching, my ears always listening. You are Mine. I know your name. I KNOW you, and I love you just the same. You can count on me. I never misunderstand; never hold a grudge. When you're worried, I never wring My hands and fret, 'Oh, no! What shall I do?' I speak truth in love to you (even when it hurts to hear) BECAUSE I love you. You can count on Me. If you let Me I'll fan the dying embers of your dreams until they blaze again. No one can keep you from Me, my daughter, and no one can keep Me from you. I'll never give up on you. Never. When You can't, I can. I'm captivated by you. I want you to be captivated by Me. I want you to want Me. To desire My presence, My friendship, My love. No one can be everything to you . . .

. . . no one except Me."

It's still hot. The desert wind blows. But, I see an oasis ahead.

"Am I enough?" He whispers, arms outstretched.

I feel like an icy-cold snow cone, a bride with her groom, gentle rain on a hot summer day.

Yes, Lord. You are enough. You are more than enough for me.

"Desperate, I throw myself on Him: He is my God!" (Psalm 31:13-15 The Message)

By Ronda Knuth
© rjknuth2005